Breaking up with someone can be devastating, especially when you are the one being dumped. You didn’t want things to end and maybe you thought this person was ‘The One’. Perhaps you had visions of marriage and children and now all you can see is a black hole of nothingness??
But what if your breakup happened some time ago. Maybe a year ago, or maybe 7 (like mine) – yep, it took me 7 years to discover WHY I just couldn’t let go of my ex – no matter what I did…!!
Well, after MANY days, weeks, Years of pinning for my ex, I became tired of living the past. He had moved on and I needed to as well but I couldn’t let go. I kept reminiscing about the past and us together. It felt good and because of that (if I’m totally honest)….I didn’t really want to let go of his memory. After A LOT of soul searching and many, MANY discussions with friends and even some therapists, I finally worked out the real reason why I couldn’t let him go. Once I worked it out, it just seemed so obvious!
So, let me share my discovery with you so you can start YOUR healing process…..
The REAL reason you can’t let go of your ex is because you haven’t gotten to the CORE of the problem. Everything you have done has been on a logical level, when what you have to do is get to the EMOTIONAL level. This gets to the heart of the problem.
OK – to do this, I want you to think back to your relationship with your ex. Remember all the good times and ask yourself one question:
What is the REAL emotional benefit that you got from being with them specifically?
Now, really think about this. Whatever that thing is – it is the REAL reason why you are suffering this long after your break up. Whatever he/she did for you or emotion they made you feel is still missing from your life.
Let me explain – you may be emotionally and psychologically addicted to you ex because they were your only source of a certain emotion, thought, or feeling that you only got from them.
To help clarify, I’ve given you some examples:
- You have low self-esteem and he/she made you see yourself through his/her much more positive perspective;
- You find it difficult to give yourself praise and he/she would lavish you with praise and congratulations (which made you feel good);
- You aren’t good at keeping yourself accountable or on track with your goals and he/she helped you tremendously in this area;
- He/she made you feel special, unique, appreciated, valued or made you laugh a lot (made you feel happy) etc.
Whatever your ex gave you, you are most likely still suffering and missing them because you are not giving yourself the emotional benefits that he/she used to give to you. You are missing the ‘emotion’ they used to make you feel. That is the root of the problem.
How to fix this problem
Well, now that you know what the real root of the problem is, you can begin the journey to healing yourself.
First – write down what emotions/feelings you received from them that you enjoyed. Think about how it made you feel, how good you felt, how it made you happy.
Now, think of other ways to receive the same feelings without them. For example, if your ex made you feel good about yourself and often praised you, look into joining a team sport that you are good at. Team sports are great for self-esteem and having others around you with a positive goal is good for healing.
Another way to increase your self-esteem is to become a coach or tutor. Passing on your skills is another way of making you feel good about yourself. Charity work also helps. Plus, keeping yourself busy and surrounding yourself with new people is a great way to let go of an ex and possible begin a new relationship.
Say mantra’s every day that make you feel good about yourself. YouTube has so many different ones you can listen to each day.
What If your ex kept you accountable or kept you on track towards your goals, it may be worth getting a mentor or your own coach? They will be able to provide you with the same emotion and will help you move on from your ex.
Whatever it is your missing, there are many other avenues to fill the emotional void your ex has left.
Once you fill that void – you will be amazed at how quickly you will be able to let them go!!
